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| MEEEE! |
Yeah. Me, too. Today's post is all about having a backup plan if you don't get into #PitchWars.
On September 10th, Brenda Drake is hosting a Twitter Pitch Party called #PitMad. Because she is a goddess among us.
Agents will peruse the feed and favorite the pitches for manuscripts they want to see. Each agent's guidelines vary, so make sure you check his/her Twitter feed and/or website for submission guidelines. Check Brenda's website for more information on rules and etiquette here.
On September 10th, Brenda Drake is hosting a Twitter Pitch Party called #PitMad. Because she is a goddess among us.
Agents will peruse the feed and favorite the pitches for manuscripts they want to see. Each agent's guidelines vary, so make sure you check his/her Twitter feed and/or website for submission guidelines. Check Brenda's website for more information on rules and etiquette here.
For those of you who are unfamiliar, this is a Twitter event in which you pitch your completed, revised manuscript in a 140-characters-or-less tweet. Easy, right? Ha.
It can be done.
Though I got into #PitchWars last year, and my agent participated in the agent round, she did not request pages from me during the contest.
However, when I participated in #PitMad afterward, she did request! Something about my Twitter pitch illustrated the concept to her more efficiently than my #PitchWars entry did.
However, when I participated in #PitMad afterward, she did request! Something about my Twitter pitch illustrated the concept to her more efficiently than my #PitchWars entry did.
So there you have it, folks. If you don't get into #PitchWars, it is not the end of the world. You can still get your manuscript in front of agents on the Twitter feed on September 10th.
What's in a Twitter pitch, you ask?
Your main character, goal, conflict, and stakes.
Your main character, goal, conflict, and stakes.
It's also helpful if the pitch conveys the voice and uniqueness of your manuscript. If you can get accurate comp titles in there, even better!
It can be tricky to include all of this information, I know. You have to be creative and make agents read between the lines to get it all in there.
It can be tricky to include all of this information, I know. You have to be creative and make agents read between the lines to get it all in there.
Here are the two Twitter pitches that got me a few stars, including the one from my agent.
PRACTICAL MAGIC + FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS Hidden racism rises in TX football when Dee gives her fullback BFF a love potion by mistake. #PitMad #YA
and
When 17yo Dee gives her BFF a love potion by mistake, bigotry tests friendship & football. PRACTICAL MAGIC+FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS #PitMad #YA
You know based on the comps that there's going to be some kind of ambiguous magic, a female family dynamic, and small-town Texas football. You also know there's a friendship that possibly turns into a romance. (Spoiler alert: it totally does.)
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| Riggins gifs are basically required for every blog post. |
The pitch states the MC made a mistake, so even though her goal isn't expressly stated, you're pretty safe to assume she's going to try to fix that mistake. Meanwhile, small town bigotry is going to play a role in the conflict. And the stakes are that the football games and the friendship between these two characters will be threatened.
While mine is far from a perfect example, it played an important role in landing my agent. And I absolutely owe that to feedback from my brilliant CPs. In our writing group, we always prepared days in advance to get ready for pitch parties.
So in honor of the upcoming #PitchWars results, and #PitMad on the horizon, I'm going to open up the comments section for 48 hours (that's until Wednesday, 9/2 at 8pm CDT) for Twitter pitch critiques. Post your 140-character pitch in the comments section. Don't forget to include the hashtag #PitMad and your genre (i.e. #YA, #SFF, #R, etc.) in those 140 characters, and I will go through and crit them all by the end of this week.
My CPs are going to drop by and help me critique if things get crazy, so look for these lovely ladies (all are either mentors and/or former mentees of Pitch Wars):
Kes, Janet, Sonia, Tracie, Summer, Carlee, Kristin
I've also invited the other Pitch Wars mentors to drop by and comment if/when they have time.
Feel free to jump in and help critique each other's pitches, too. Just remember to be kind and respectful to one another!
If you need more guidance before diving in, fellow Team Fury author Ava Jae wrote a great recent post on pitching here. And another one specifically about Twitter pitching here.
My CPs are going to drop by and help me critique if things get crazy, so look for these lovely ladies (all are either mentors and/or former mentees of Pitch Wars):
Kes, Janet, Sonia, Tracie, Summer, Carlee, Kristin
I've also invited the other Pitch Wars mentors to drop by and comment if/when they have time.
Feel free to jump in and help critique each other's pitches, too. Just remember to be kind and respectful to one another!
If you need more guidance before diving in, fellow Team Fury author Ava Jae wrote a great recent post on pitching here. And another one specifically about Twitter pitching here.
*Rubs hands together*
Hit me with your best pitch!
@sweetvi (twitter)
ReplyDelete17YO Theo discovered the mother she believed dead is alive. Her father’s lies. Buried secrets. Finding out the truth is a harder lesson than she imagined #pitchmad#YA
And THANK YOU so much for doing this :) seriously!!
Your opening line is attention grabbing. A previously thought-dead mom is alive? You have my attention.
DeleteBut what does Theo want? A relationship with her mom? To get back at her dad for lying (I assume about her mother's death)? What's at stake if she doesn't get what she wants? Her father's lies and buried secrets show that there's conflict in that relationship, but that's about it. You want to avoid words like "lies" and "secrets" in a pitch, because they're vague. Can you be more specific about the lies and secrets without giving away everything?
Thank you!!! uh..you rock. It's funny, you live and breath your story, but yet it is so hard to tell people what it is really about :) I reworked to this
Delete17YO Theo discovered the mom she believed dead is alive. All Theo wants is to find her mom. All her dad wants is to protect her from the truth.#YA#Pitchmad
Your second pitch is much stronger. Still think you can tweak it though. I'm assuming dad is the obstacle to finding mom, but why does he want to keep her mother from her? (@Carleree)
Deletethat's the ending to the book....do I give that away?
DeleteI have a few of them and hoping at least one is good (Twitter Handle @JudyLMohr):
ReplyDeleteA magician must join her soul with twin warriors or give her enemy the ultimate power: the ability to bring back the dead. #PitMad #NA #SFF
A magician can breach World of Death, but only if twin warriors bond with her soul and the enemy doesn't find her first. #PitMad #NA #SFF
Dreams leave physcial wounds, but the seer knows the attack on her family is about more than just revenge. Destiny beckons. #PitMad #NA #SFF
Bleeder demons seek an unlimited food source: magic of the dead. Now to kill the seer & the twin warriors who protect her. #PitMad #NA #SFF
Thanks so much for offering to look at these. You get a big, squishy hug from me.
I really like the first one and the last one. Can you tell me anything else about the twin warriors?
DeleteHow about this one:
DeleteSeeking revenge for their father's death, twin warriors hunt magicians, but killing children will only gain magical enemies #PitMad #NA #SFF
Or there is this one:
DeleteHearts begin to sing when twin warriors meet the seer, but now they must join their souls with hers to bring back the dead. #PitMad #NA #SFF
I think your first is strongest--you want to avoid words like demons and killing children.
DeleteBut still, I think it can be clearer. Try: A magician must join her soul with twin warriors to stop her enemy from bringing back the dead. #PitMad #NA #SFF
Now tell me why bringing back the dead is a bad thing. (@carleree)
@JelsaMepsey (twitter)
ReplyDeleteAn abused teenage boy finds himself becoming more like the father who abuses him the longer the abuse continues. #YA novel in verse #Pitmad
Thanks! :)
How does he become like his abusive father? Can you reveal something else that's unique about the teenage boy? What is his goal (besides not becoming like his father)?
DeleteHi, Just reading through the comments here and I must admit this one had me confused. I got hung up on the number of times the word "abuse" shows up in 140 characters. I wonder if something like the following would work better:
DeleteA 1Xyo boy is becoming more like his abusive father everyday. Now he must .... to break the cycle. #YA #PitMad
WIth that construction, there is still 30+ characters to play with.
Judy. You are hired. Haha! That's great feedback!
DeleteJudy is fantastic--you said all the things I wanted to say. And did it better. *high five*
DeleteThank you for this opportunity!!
ReplyDelete#A 5 years clean and sober comes to a crashing halt when Jimmy falls off the wagon. If Coby leaves, he's back on the streets #LGBT #PitMad
Could you say: "#A Jimmy falls off the wagon after 5 years clean & sober" and use the extra room to elaborate a little on the relationship between Jimmy & Coby? I like that the stakes show someone will be homeless. But whom? Jimmy or Coby? And what's the relationship between these two? I assume because it's LGBT that they are partners. But they could also be roommates and one of them is LGBT.
DeleteHi, just adding my two cents, but I don't think you need both "5 years clean and sober" and "falls off the wagon" maybe condense to "After 5 years Jimmy falls off the wagon" and/or you can abbreviate yrs and use & for more space to add other details.
DeleteGood suggestions! I will play with both ideas and see if I can get the married aspect in there better =). Thank you both!
DeleteI don't see how Colby and Jimmy are related, and that's a must if they're both in your pitch. Who is your MC and what does he want? Like...When Jimmy sacrifices his sobriety for a party, he and bf Colby will be homeless unless XYZ. (@carleree)
DeleteThanks for doing this! And I loved the Brenda Drake Ryan Gosling picture! :)
ReplyDelete@nicolelynnhoefs (Twitter)
Sydney’s done dating after bf cheats; she has deep trust issues. The new guy might worth loving, if she can overcome her fears #WritePit #YA
How about condensing the first line to something like: Sydney has trust issues, thanks to a cheating ex.
DeleteTell me more about the new guy. Why is he worth loving? What's special about him?
You can totally ignore this and not give feedback since you already did, but I wanted to post a revised pitch after your feedback. It's so hard condensing a story into 140 characters! Gahhh :)
DeleteSydney has trust issues, thanks to a cheating ex. New guy has a crooked smile that drives her crazy. Love gets a second chance #WritePit #YA
No way will I ignore! I asked questions to get a better idea of what the goal and stakes are. :)
DeleteMC=Sydney.
What is Sydney's goal?
Conflict is that she has trust issues, and that may keep her from giving new guy a fair chance.
But what are the stakes here? What happens if she doesn't give him a chance? What happens if she does?
Thanks! I wasn't sure if I should sneak in the cheating dad part (2nd pitch) since that's part of her trust issues too, or if that just sounds weird. Why must Twitter limit us to 140 characters?!?!?!? :)
DeleteSydney has trust issues due to a cheating ex. New guy might be The One if she can overcome her fears & give him a chance #WritePit #YA
Sydney has trust issues due to a cheating ex/dad. New guy might be The One if she can overcome her fears & give him a chance #WritePit #YA
Eek! Great idea and so AWESOME of you to do!! Twitter pitches are harder than query letters.
ReplyDelete@OhShesArtsy
She has the universe under her bed, a cult on her front lawn, psychic powers, and a strange job offer from a charming stranger #PitMad #SFF
MOORE + PRATCHETT psychics, a corrupt corporation, and a friendship that could save them both. Will Morgan and RJ survive? #PitMad #SFF
I'm intrigued by the specifics! What do you mean by "the universe under her bed"? That's the only thing that throws me off a little. And I want to know what the strange job offer is.
DeletePsychics Morgan & RJ must do x to dismantle a corrupt corporation, or risk x.
With a cult camped out on her lawn, psychic Morgan needs RJ’s help to do x, or risk x. (I may be way off base on this one! Just trying to figure out where the puzzle pieces go.)
Hmm, I see what you mean. This one is hard to pitch because it kind of relies on strange, hard to explain phenomena. Like a much lighter Lovecraft sort of deal?
DeleteI'll think on it. Thanks for the feedback!
Maybe more like:
Hired to find supernatural phenomena for a corrupt corporation Morgan and her charming but dark partner must rely on each other #PitMad #SFF
Your closer with the second pitch. Remember all caps are for book titles.
DeleteSupernatural hunters must choose between X and Y or face Z.
Relying on each other isn't a plot. It's not really an obstacle unless they are enemies, in which case you'd have to explain why they'd team up.
Maybe try it another way?
RJ must decide between her hunting supernatural phenoms or romance. Easy choice until X happens. Now they're both on the run from Y
I realize that this isn't necessarily your plot, just trying to give you a template to work from.(@carleree)
Thanks! I really appreciate the feedback :)
DeleteThank you so much for doing this.
ReplyDelete@SujaSukumar (twitter)
Dead siblings. Murders masked as accidents. To trap a killer, a jock & a math geek must team up or they're next on victim list #YA #pitmad
(I left thriller out since I thought that would be evident from pitch, plus I couldn't get it under 140 characters :)
Thanks.
How about something like:
DeleteA jock & a math geek must team up to solve murders masked as accidents, or end up the killer's next victims. #pitmad
That gives you 23 extra characters to play around with, too. Maybe you can add how the dead siblings relate to this? Is it their dead siblings?
Thanks, Jennifer. will work with that :) It's dual POV and the 2 MCs aren't related, so I don't want to say 'their siblings' I'll have to use something like 'respective siblings' Something like -
DeleteAfter their respective siblings’ deaths, a jock & a math geek team up to trap a killer who masks murders as accidents YA #thriller #pitmad
Jennifer's advice is spot on. I wonder if you can take out the sibling deaths and leave that for the book. From A jock & math geek to the end is enough, I think, for plot. Could you add a comp title?
Delete(@carleree)
Thanks, Carlee. Will work with that :)
Delete"All That She Is" tells the story of a gifted frontman, compassionate bassist, and a stalker out to ruin their love and lives #PitMad #R
ReplyDeleteYou don't need the title in the pitch, since you want to use that space to show who your characters are and what they want.
DeleteTell the story in the pitch and use specifics.
Here's a rough example:
A gifted frontman & his bassist find love on tour, but when a stalker tries to ruin them, they must fight for each other & the band. #pitmad
Thank you for the feedback
DeleteThink along the lines of....Almost Famous...
Delete15 yo William must choose between impartial outsider music journalist or friendship with the band and risk his integrity.
See how the MC has a choice? Your MCs have to have a choice too. Right now they're ruining their love and lives without any details how or why. (@carleree)
Should he remain a detached but lonely outsider so as to be an impartial journalist, or allow himself to make friends with these people and feel like he belongs
Thank you for your offer to critique twitter pitches. Very kind of you. I have three new ones:
ReplyDeleteCASTLE+GONE GIRL - LAPD volunteer sets out w/ college daughters to clear her husband of murder but the trail leads back to him #PitMad #A #M
HTGAWM+MODERN FAMILY Pun-loving LAPD volunteer sets out to clear husband suspected of murdering deans, but fears he’s guilty #PitMad #A #M
HOMELAND+MODERN FAMILY Pun-loving LAPD volunteer seeks real terrorist to clear husband but slight problem: she fears it’s him #PitMad #A #M
Thanks again!
I think the first one is the strongest. The comps give me a good sense of the tone, and the conflict is pretty chilling. However, I wonder what her college daughters have to do with it? The murder victims are deans, I'm guessing by the other pitches.
DeleteThe comps in the other two pitches make it confusing.
Could you get that piece of information in there about the deans?
I don't know how accurate this would be, but just as an example:
CASTLE+GONE GIRL- LAPD volunteer's mission to prove her husband didn't murder their daughter's college dean leads right back to him. #pitmad
Thank you so much! I like the first one best too. Yes, I was trying to make reference to college setting and ages of her daughters. I'll work on it more tomorrow. Very, very helpful. Thanks again!
DeleteThanks so much for offering to do this! Here's my attempt.
ReplyDeleteSimon, a reluctant preacher, is caught between the god he thinks he serves & the goddess he’s falling in love with. #PitMad #A #SFF
This one is cool and concise. I'd rearrange it to give yourself a little more room to add comps or convey additional characterization.
DeleteSomething like:
Reluctant preacher Simon is torn between the god he serves & the goddess he’s falling for. DOGMA meets Greek mythology. #PitMad #A #SFF
Those comps are probably way off, but it's the first thing that came to mind, haha. Can you think of comps to paint a picture of the tone of the manuscript and an identifier for the goddess he's falling for?
Thank you for the critiques!
ReplyDeleteAfter a backwoods car accident, 17yo Tate wakes up to find his sister has vanished. DELIVERANCE with ghosts. #YA #Horror #PitMad
Ooooh, creepy. Reminds me of that movie WRONG TURN, too.
DeleteSince you have a little room to play with, I'd maybe add something to create some urgency to the MC's responsibility/reaction time. Maybe add that he must find her before x? Or create more doom by mentioning it's almost nightfall? (I got scared just thinking about it, but I'm also a giant chicken.)
After a backwoods car wreck, 17yo Tate wakes alone. His sister has vanished and it’s almost dark. DELIVERANCE w/ghosts. #YA #Horror #PitMad
You could also use the extra room to convey more information about setting. "After a backwoods car wreck near haunted town x..." etc.
I like the word accident better than wreck, too, btw... but wreck gives you more room & says the same thing. ;)
Thank you so much!
ReplyDeleteZaak died 78yrs before his time. The Universal Balance is lost, he'll follow a man with a plan & a questionable agenda to fix it #YA #PitMad
or this one:
DeleteZaak is dead. The Universal balance is lost & all that was meant to be impossible in the Great Design, is happening everywhere. #YA #PitMad
I definitely think the first one is a better jumping off point. The second one confused me.
DeleteSo I have some questions. What do you mean by he died 78 years before his time? Is there a time travel element? A Quantum Leap/Butterfly Effect type thing happening? Some comps would definitely help us figure out what's going on here. I *think* you're saying he went back in time and died and it threw everything out of whack, but I'm not sure. I'd love to know what kind of things are occurring as a result.
Hi Jennifer, nice to meet you and thanks again for taking this time to help us!
DeleteHere is what happens:
Zaak was destined to die after tuning 98 years old, but the Angel of Death makes a mistake and takes his life instead of Joss's (Zaak's best friend and sort of an adoptive brother) who was the one suppose to die.
As result all that Zaak was supposed to do in life, all his influence on other people and events won't happen, also Joss was supposed to reincarnate in another life, which won't happened either, so the perfect balance of the Universe is broken and the Master Plan for humanity is ruined.
To restore the balance he will have the help of a man that crossed to Purgatory 300 years ago without dying and who might or might not be trust worthy, yet he is the only one that seems to know how to at least try to fix things.
Oooh, this is fun! Thanks for setting this up!!
ReplyDeleteWhen 17yo Harper accidentally sells her BFF's soul to the voodoo god of death she has 2 wks to find an ancient mask to save him #YA #PitMad
Not gonna lie, I want to read this one. There's something funny about it, even despite the serious circumstances surrounding it. I'm laughing just thinking about how one could accidentally sell someone else's soul. And boy best friend makes me think possible romance. :D
DeleteI'll let others chime in here, but I think this is a pretty good one. I'd maybe just split it into 2 sentences to make it prettier.
17yo Harper accidentally sells her BFF’s soul to the voodoo god of death. She has 2 wks to find an ancient mask to save him. #YA #PitMad
Two sentences. THIS PITCH IS GOLDEN. I want to read this book yesterday. (@carleree)
DeleteI'm on board with this as well, especially since my book out right now, VEXED, is about Vodou. LOL Did you write about The Ghede?? I'm dying to know more. Good luck!
Delete17yo blind dancer Lily and her twin Monica are taken by magic tree to Denmor. With 3 companions they must destroy evil ruler #PitMad #YA #F
ReplyDeleteHi, this makes me ask "or what?" What are the stakes/what's going to happen if they don't destroy the evil ruler?
DeleteTo make space for the consequences, you could cut the twin and companions and make it all about Lily.
17yo blind dancer Lily is taken... She must destroy the evil ruler...
I agree. We need stakes. And instead of proper names (I'd stick to only your MC's name in the pitch), give us details. Having 3 companions is great, but it takes up room you could use to tell us the stakes.
Delete-Blind dancer Lily & her twin
-What is Denmor? A magical land inside a tree?
I'd focus on Lily & her twin and what they must accomplish.
Rough example: Blind dancer Lily & her twin are thrust into Denmor via magic tree. They must defeat its evil ruler or be trapped there forever. #PitMad #YA
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteArg, I had a comment fail. But you rock for setting this up. Here's mine.
Delete@ALJwrites
When 16yo Ivy uncovers a plot to strip kids of their psychic powers, she must decide if saving her power is worth losing herself #PitMad #YA
This is a good start, but I'm wondering how she'll lose herself. Will she become evil? Is the person with the evil plot someone close to her? Does she have to do something unsavory or morally questionable to save her powers? Will saving her power hurt everyone else?
DeleteRough example: Psychic Ivy uncovers a plot to strip kids of abilities. She must decide if saving her talent is worth hurting everyone she loves #YA #pitmad
Thanks for the feedback! Pretty much this one: Does she have to do something unsavory or morally questionable to save her powers?
DeleteShe goes from being careful not to hurt anyone with her power, to hurting anyone who gets in her way in order to save herself and her friends.
This is amazing! Thank you for doing this!
ReplyDeleteAvi’s dad was secretly a knight in another world, but died of cancer in ours: can she keep his secret AND survive high school? #PitMad #YA
@phoenixkingston
Just realised we can put multiple options! Here are two other ones I was trying, if that's alright.
DeleteWhen Avi finds out her dad was from another world, she begins a double life. But is fitting into his world worth losing herself? #Pitmad #YA
Avi’s dad was secretly a knight in another world - too bad he lied for 14 years. Is finding the truth worth losing herself? #Pitmad #YA
How about combining the elements of your pitches to show Avi must let go of her dad in order to live her life? (I think that's what you're trying to say here?)
DeleteAvi’s dad is a knight in another world but died of cancer in hers. Fitting in his life means leaving her friends & future behind #PitMad #YA
I want to know how her dad's lie affects her life. People lie all the time. I tell my kids the tooth fairy is real. That doesn't mean it's the end of the world for them. So when writing your next version, make sure you tie them together. I like Jennifer's option--but if that's not the case for YOUR book, then you need to show how the two sentences relate or explain why she needs to let go of her dad. As in, what happens to Avi if she doesn't let him go? (@carleree)
DeleteTHE EMPTY PLACE + NOTES ON A SCANDAL Teacher Emily falsely accused in sex case, loses everything, forced to confront secret past #PitMad #A
ReplyDeleteGood comps! I'd word the pitch like a sentence, though, rather than fragments. Also, avoid the word "secret" in a pitch. If you scroll through the list (or any past pitch party), you'll see that word come up again and again. It's vague, and people tend to default to it. I'm guilty of it, too. You want it to stand out in the feed, so try to make the secret specific.
DeleteDoes her past involve abuse? scandal? affairs?
Rough example: THE EMPTY PLACE + NOTES ON A SCANDAL When teacher Emily is falsely accused in a sex case, she must confront her abusive past. #PitMad #A
OR
...she must confront a scandal from her past.
Make it specific and word it like a one-sentence story.
Great feedback! Thank you so much for doing this. It's making #PitMad a little less daunting. :-)
DeleteYay for comp titles! Two thumbs up.
DeleteNow, can you tell me what she loses exactly? You say "loses everything" but everything means something different to all people. Too vague. And I also want to know what is in her past and how it relates to the false accusation. I get falsely accused of stealing pens at work but that doesn't relate to anything in my past. See what I mean? (@carleree)
Wow, thank you for this opportunity. Here's a hug and two cookie brownies (would've been three, but I couldn't help myself ^_^).
ReplyDelete#YA #PitMad 15yo Sophia is held captive by three brothers and must decide if her freedom is worth perjury (suspense/contemp)
#YA #PitMad A black teen runs from dementia-ridden dad & gets kidnapped by a disturbed young man who mistakes her for his dead GF
#YA #PitMad 15yo Sophia is kidnapped from Walmart by a disturbed young man who mistakes her for his dead GF (suspense/contemp)
#YA #Pitmad A tense cross-gender friendship buds b/w 3 unintentional kidnappers and the kidnappee as they strive 2 commit perjury
Hi Isabelle, Wren/Janet here.
DeleteYour first is on the vague side and doesn't tell me what sets it apart from all the other suspense ms's out there. Where does the perjury come in? We go from her being kidnapped to perjury without some kind of connector. Your second perked my attention. That one is the money maker and tells me all I kneed to know. Keep that one.
Your third, I think you can strike Walmart, it's an unnecessary detail we don't need in the pitch and takes up valuable character space. Your 4th pitch has a bunch of info missing from all the other pitches. I'm confused on where the perjury is coming into play. Unless you can expand on that in the pitches, I'd leave it out. You've got enough to go on with the other factors that will strike enough interest you can talk about the perjury in the query.
Maybe something like.... #YA #PitMad A black teen runs from dementia-ridden dad & gets kidnapped, developing a unique friendship with her unintentional kidnapper.
Good luck to you!
This one is intriguing. A runaway who gets kidnapped & mistaken for a crazy guy's dead girlfriend is very specific. I wonder why she has to commit perjury to escape, though. That part is unclear. And if they're unintentional kidnappers, why does she have to escape?
DeleteSo to sort this out:
Your MC: Runaway Sophia
Conflict: Gets kidnapped (accidentally?)
Goal: To escape (keep running?)
Stakes: To get away, she must commit perjury
I think the big thing here is defining the stakes.
Runaway Sophia is kidnapped by a boy who thinks she's his dead girlfriend. If she does/doesn't do x, then x will happen. #PitMad #YA
Listen to Janet! She is my pitch Yoda. :)
DeleteHi, Jennifer! Thanks in advance for the feedback! I have two ms. I was wondering if I could get feedback on both pitches to see which one may work better for getting agent's attention??
ReplyDeleteHere's the first:
GRACELING + EVERWORLD-Town invaded by unearthly beings. 16yo falls for rogue assassin w/toxic touch, but only she can save them #PitMad #SFF
or
BEASTLY meets ENDLESS LOVE when 16yo boy falls in love with black girl who has a dark secret--every human she touches dies #PitMad #DF #YA
Here's the second:
Little Shop/Horrors meets Limitless-18yo empath bitten by hybrid plant becomes mind-bending healer, but powers are deadly #PitMad #SFF #NA
or
Abandoned by mom, 18yo empath tries to mend relationship, but Dr. Frankenstein/Mom's love of science might betray him #PitMad #SFF #NA
@evolym2infinity
Hi Ely, Wren/Janet here... Your first pitch left me a little confused. Who is the 16yo trying to save? I guess the "them" is a little vague for me, is it the 16yo and the rogue assassin? Or all of mankind?
DeleteAhhh see in your second one it becomes a little more clear. You definitely need to hit hard what's going to set your ms apart from all the others and this one points to it. The only thing about the second one "dark secret" or "secret" is kryptonite. I'd strike that. The secret is part of the stakes and we need that info. And it looks like you're telling us what the secret is, so there's no need to say it's a secret. That frees up some characters to put something else in there.
For the third - I really like this pitch, but the "mind-bending" part is throwing me. Does his powers bend minds or are you using mind-bending to mean outrageous or awesome, mind blowing. I'd find another adjective to use. Or use those freed up characters by striking mind-bending and explain just why it's deadly. (I really want to read this one LOL Sounds good!)
The last one doesn't hit as hard as the previous and leaves too many questions versus leaving the reader with intrigue versus ambiguity. And it doesn't tell anything about the plant and powers. It sounds like a completely different story than the previous one.
Maybe combine them like... LITTLE SHOP/HORRORS meets LIMITLESS A hybrid plant bite turns an empath into a healer. Mom's science may lead to betrayal. #PitMad #SFF #NA
Best of luck to you!
Thank you, Wren! Your comments are super helpful!
DeleteI see why the first is confusing. The 16yo ends up trying to rescue the girl (because he falls in love with her) who needs to sacrifice herself to save the town. I guess I could've said that better.
In the third, I did mean mind-bending literally. I will make sure to change that so its clear. Thanks for the compliment on! And that pitch is an awesome suggestion for me to work with. I wish I had your pitch talent!
Pitches seriously stress me out!
Ely
Thank you so much for doing this. I am having fits trying to craft a twitter pitch for my Adult Historical Fantasy, so I have three options.
ReplyDeletePersian invader seeking murdering thief protects tiny kingdom hiding science/deadly tech, clashes with its scheming princess. #PitMad #A #HF
Persian warrior invades lost kingdom hiding deadly tech. Crazed killer wants to steal it, princess schemes to keep it secret. #PitMad #A #HF
Ancient kingdom’s deadly secret devices, scheming princess, crazed terrorist impede Persian warrior’s quest to kill. #PitMad #A #HF
Hi Susan, Wren/Janet here. It's a good idea to have several pitches to toss out there. So you're on top of that. What catches on agent/editor's attention, another one may not. So always have three or four options.
DeleteWhat I'm feeling here in your pitches though is that they're all quite a mouthful and lacking a flow to them. The first one has a lot of "ing" words and it disrupts the flow. It's adjective heavy and your pitch gets lost.
The second one is your hardest hitting. It's direct, less adjectives, and it flows much better. So keep that one.
The third feels like it's missing a word. It's sort of a mashup and lacks the punch I think you're trying for.
Maybe something like .... An ancient kingdom harbors deadly tech. It's princess schemes to protect it from a crazed killer & a warrior who's after him. #PitMad #A #HF
Good luck to you!!
Thank you so much! This was very helpful.
DeleteHope this isn't too many for you!
ReplyDeleteWhen an 18thC pirates Da dies she finds out his lies- her Mam is alive but not human. She must sail to find her selkie family. #pitmad #YA
A pirate's ship, Da, and life are blown apart. Now she must find the selkie Mam she thought was dead and her non-human heritage. #pitmad #YA
Her Da dies and she becomes a pirate captain and searches for the selkie Mam who left her, escaping slavery and more on the way. #pitmad #YA
On her way to find the selkie Mam who left her, 18thC pirate captain Maybelle suffers grief, enslavement and avenges her Da. #pitmad #YA
An 18th C pirate's father dies, their ship is burnt and her parents betrayed her. She has to find her Mam and selkie family. #pitmad #YA
Pirate, slave or selkie? Maybelle will end up as one of these, whether she chooses or not, which will it be? #pitmad #YA
Thanks.
Hi Kathryn, Wren/Janet here...The first thing that struck me is the use of "Da", while I get that means Dad, it can lead to confusion. Especially in the first sentence when you left off the apostraphe on pirates. It took me a couple read throughs to grasp it. If you have to make an agent work for it, it's likely they'll pass. So make sure your pitches are as correct as you can on grammar and spelling. We all make mistakes, but you only get one shot to make that impression in a pitch. So always double check. For this, I'd probably just go with mom or dad, and leave off the term "Da".
DeleteI see a lot of vagueness in each...grief (from what?)...Enslavement..(By whom?)..More on the way (Too General) You need to hit what's going to set your ms apart. Hit the stakes, specifics will win every time over generality.
If you can tighten each up with a bit more of specifics, you'll have some real winners here. Overall it sounds like an interesting story, but to get those stars you need to stand out in a crowd.
Also, try and steer clear of questions in your pitches. You should tell us about your book, not ask the reader/agent/editor questions. We don't want to be left with having to answer a question about a book we know nothing about. Your job as the pitcher is to tell us your story and grab out attention.
Maybe something along the lines of .... Left with her dad's pirate ship, Maybelle sails into trouble trying to find the truth about her Selkie mother and family legacy. #pitmad #YA
Thanks a lot! That's really helpful.
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ReplyDeleteComment fail. Ugh! Sorry!
DeleteThank you for providing this fantastic feedback opportunity!
ReplyDeleteEllie never expected to fall in love standing knee deep in the sea with a blade to her throat. Is he enemy or sworn protector? #A #R #PitMad
Ancient blood. Family secrets. Ellie never expected to fall in love standing knee deep in the sea with a blade to her throat. #A #R #PitMad
I'd like to know a little more about the MC and the love interest here. For some reason this leads me to believe he's a mythical sea creature. And why would Ellie not expect to fall in love while standing in the sea? Is there something about her character that would keep her out of the sea?
DeleteThe blade to her throat part is intriguing, but if she doesn't know if the person holding the blade is an enemy or a protector, I think you need to show whatever it is that makes her question that, since I would probably ninja chop anyone holding a blade to my throat. (Just kidding, I'd cry.)
Definitely avoid the word "secret" in a pitch at all costs. It's vague, and because so many other people make this same mistake (I've done it myself), it'll just make your pitch blend into the feed as agents scroll.
So to beef this up a little, can you tell us more about what Ellie wants? She wasn't looking for/expecting to find love, so what was she looking for? Why was she in the sea?
What specific family secrets are we dealing with? Ties to mythical entities? I'm just trying to decipher if this is fantasy.
Maybe
Thanks for this! I have two MSs that I'm pitching.
ReplyDelete5 dead scientists, whale pop decreasing & a hacked govt building. An animal whisperer & a drag racer search for the culprit #YA #pitmad #SFF
When a fire witch learns that her dad's soul was taken by demons, she teams w/ a 1/2 demon to save it CHARMED meets STORM SIREN #YA #Pitmad
The first one is a bit of information overload. I had to read it several times to figure out what was going on. Try to word it like a one-sentence story.
DeleteWhen x happens (5 whale scientists are killed?), an animal whisperer & his/her drag racer friend must find the culprit or else x will happen (whales will become extinct? more scientists will be killed?).
I also wonder why the animal whisperer and drag racer are the people for the job. Why are they invested? Is one of them an aspiring scientist or conservationist?
The second is clearer because of the comps, so great job on that. But I'd still like to know a little more about the MC. I don't think using the word fire helps us know more about her, since we don't know what a fire witch is until we read your story. Even using her name works. But another adjective to describe her personality would be even better.
Maybe something like, After learning demons stole her dad’s soul, witch Dana must join forces w/her half-demon enemy to save him. CHARMED+STORM SIREN #PitMad #YA
Thanks for the help! My other tweet for the first one is a bit different.
DeleteWhen 5 scientists die tracking an injured whale, animal whisperer Alec knows it's no accident. Now she has to prove it #Pitmad #YA #SFF
17yo Tessa learns she’s a unicorn queen, meets two hot guys but must break a curse before it breaks her. There goes summer! #PitMad #YA
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for giving us feedback! Super nice of you guys!
Hi Michelle! I'm confused about how the events are related.
DeleteWe know there's a reveal that the MC is a unicorn queen (though I'm not sure what that means for her), she meets two hot guys (awesome, I love hot guys), and she must break a curse that's either putting her in danger or causing her harm. But these three things seem very unrelated as is.
I think you need to find a way to explain what the curse is without calling it a curse. (I had a curse in my story, too, but I got zero stars on the pitches that contained that word.)
Meeting two hot guys is great, but only if it somehow relates to her curse or her newfound title. Does being a unicorn queen attract hotties? Is it a curse because there's two of them and now it's a love triangle? I have lots of questions, haha.
What does Tessa want? What stands in her way? What happens if she doesn't achieve her goal? I get that the curse is standing in her way and breaking it is her objective, but try to be specific.
Rough example: 17yo Tessa's summer is ruined when she's smacked with x (queen responsibilities of some kind?). Now she must do x or else x will happen.
Got it! Thanks so much for the feedback. I'll go back to the drawing board and I love your suggestion. I'm going to play around with that too. I've been looking through the pitches people have sent you and I already want to read some of these books! What a tuff thing to do in 140 characters. I use to think lead paragraphs in articles were the hardest to write. I change my mind!
DeleteThank you for your help and your time!
ReplyDeleteWhen his girlfriend crams an odd device in his car & disappears, Eric unwittingly travels to frightening worlds to find her. #PitMad #SF
Eric’s gf is missing & a gift she left made his Honda tunnel thru space. Now he must find her to fix the tear in the world. #PitMad #SF #A
This one is pretty specific!
DeleteThe second one is the stronger of the two, in my opinion. The word unwittingly in the first one takes up too many characters and doesn't make it clear that the device is the reason it's unwittingly, haha.
My only beef with the second one: what happens if he doesn't find her and fix the tear? Will the rest of the world get sucked in behind him like a black hole?
Rough example: Eric's gf is missing & a gift she left made his Honda tunnel thru space. He must find her before his mess annihilates mankind. #PitMad #SF
Thanks so much for this help, Jennifer! I'm excited to retool this.
DeleteWow - thanks so much for doing this - so helpful! I haven't done a twitter pitch b4 so here goes:
ReplyDelete@trishwrites1
She should b going off to the Olympics to claim swimming gold, instead Annie’s learning to walk agn. NA contemp #Pitmad
Annie’s in pain w evry breath she takes.There's a bad boyfriend & ex-bff. Can a new guy w his guitar help her find luv?NAcontemp #Pitmad
Annie's in chronic pain. She hates who she is.If she can’t accept who she’s become she’ll lose her chance @ luv NA contemp #Pitmad
A freak accident leaves her in chronic pain.Evryone’s gone frm her life. Can a guy w. his guitar teach her to love agn? NA contemp #pitmad
Hi Trish!
DeleteFirst, try not to abbreviate words unless it's a standard abbreviation. Using w/ for with is okay. BF or GF for boyfriend or girlfriend, and BFF for best friend works. But if you start shortening every word into text speak (b instead of be, 2 instead of to, luv instead of love, etc.), it gets difficult to read. Most every piece of advice I've seen says not to do this, because it makes your pitch look less professional.
Now, for your pitch. I think the most interesting thing about this is that your MC is an Olympic swimmer who has been injured and has to learn to walk again. I would definitely try to highlight that in every pitch.
Tell me about the new guy with the guitar. What else does he have to offer the MC? Do they share some kind of burden? Are they both patients in the rehabilitation unit? Is he off-limits? Her physical therapist or something? Don't get me wrong, I married a guitar-playing boy, but that's not why I married him. ;)
Tell us what the conflict is. What's keeping the MC & her guitar player apart?
Rough example: Instead of winning gold, Olympic swimmer Annie is learning to walk again. When (guitar player? fellow rehab patient?) (does something), she must (accept? choose?) or else (x will happen).
I also really want to put "sink or swim" re: her chance at love somewhere in your pitch, but I am refraining because it's cliche and my CPs will scold me, haha.
See if you can define the stakes a little better and we'll go from there. :)
Thanks so much for your feedback! If you're still doing this today here's my second stab at this. Not sure if learning to walk is misleading b/c she's not paralyzed - been in rehab, lives in chronic pain and walks w. a cane.
DeleteAn accident shatters Annie’s Olympic dreams. She’s in fight of her life to win love frm a guitar player w disabled sister.NA contemp #pitmad
A freak accident shatters Annie’s Olympic dreams. Can a guitar player w a disabled sister teach her to love again? NA contemp #Pitmad
Annie should be winning Olympic gold not learning to walk again. Can she win at love with a guitar player w disabled sister? NA contemp #pitmad
This blog post has the best advice I've seen on how to make a good twitter pitch. Thanks! And thanks so much for taking the time to help us all with ours.
ReplyDeleteDICKENSIAN LILO & STITCH After exile to slums, 15yo Ida and mum must trust freakish, unstable outcast to survive & stay together #YA #PITMAD
Thanks, Laura! I'm so glad you found it helpful. If you haven't clicked the links for Ava Jae's posts, definitely check those out. She goes into a lot more detail than I did.
DeleteFirst of all, I really like that comp. Dickens-style Lilo and Stitch? Super unique. I'd maybe just rearrange the wording a little to tidy it up.
DICKENSIAN LILO & STITCH After being exiled,15yo Ida & her mum must trust a freakish, unstable outcast to survive in the slums. #YA #PitMad
I somehow missed a space between the comma and 15yo. Oopsie.
DeleteThanks so much for your very helpful comments Jennifer!
DeleteHi Jennifer! Thanks for keeping us distracted :)
ReplyDeleteHere are my attempts...
1818. Girl shipwrecked in Scotland. Search for family thwarted by the Laird and a Selkie. Must choose between her love & family #Pitmad #YA
1818.17yo girl shipwrecked in Scotland must fight Laird & a Selkie to find her family but love hurts. GREAT & TERRIBLE BEAUTY #Pitmad #YA
Thanks so much for your help! Lana
Okay, since I may or may not be familiar with this awesome story, I know a little more about it than you've shown here. But for the sake of illustrating feedback to others who are reading, I'm gonna break it down.
DeleteYou have a lot going on in the pitch and we don't really know the *why* of it.
Why is she risking love? And who is this love interest? I would focus on the characters and stakes and let your query explain the rest. 140 characters isn't enough to explain everything you have above.
I told you already this reminds me of a YA Outlander, and I stand by that.
What about something like this?
Shipwrecked in Scotland, Ailsa falls for the indentured servant who rescues her. Saving him means losing her old life. #pitmad YA OUTLANDER
If you comp it to outlander (or even G&T Beauty), we know it's historical, so we don't need the year.
And while the selkie and fighting the Laird are important story elements, the stakes truly lie in love and loyalty.
(However I may be blinded by my familiarity, so I welcome other opinions on this!)
DeleteI'm gonna chime in on this one here too. If you said YA Outlander I'd be drooling. So I think a comp in this case would be a great place to set the stage. It's a well known title across the board. Also, I agree on what Jenn said, you need to hit your specifics on what's going to set you apart. Choosing between love and family is vague and on the cliche side. You don't want to get bypassed because your ms sounds like a hundred others. You've got a great premise here, you need to showcase it. Who is this love, why is he important enough to risk it all for. You've got the Selkie in there, great. Now bring it home and tell us why this is the love of a lifetime we need to read about.
DeleteMaybe something like ... #YA Outlander #Pitmad Shipwrecked in Scotland, Aisla toils with smugglers & Selkies to get home. But her heart is captured by her rescuer.
good luck!
I told you Janet (Wren) is the pitch yoda. The one she came up with is killer!
DeleteHOLD STILL + ELEANOR & PARK Daphne & Oliver team up to reconcile the past by fulfilling their dead siblings’ To-Do List. #PitMad #YA
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for taking the time to do this!
Hi Lisa, Wren/Janet here...This is an interesting one. You may just get some bites off what you have, but you have room for about 8 more characters, can you rephrase "reconcile the past" and put in just what happened they need to reconcile? Is it a family feud...what needs reconciling. If you can tweak it, I think you'll have a winner here.
DeleteGood luck!
I'd love to have two pitches looked at for two projects. I'll send in seperate emails in case you just only want us to focus on one! This is such a helpf!
ReplyDeleteThis is from my new WIP I didn't enter into PitchWars.
Two versions:
The Roommate + UNBECOMING/M. DYER
Traumatic incidents shatters 2 teen’s lives, finally intersect after a deadly hazing initiation #Pitmad YA
Deadly hazing incident forces Soledad to address a traumatic childhood event or take the fall.
The Roommate + UNBECOMING/M. DYER #Pitmad YA
Hi Kim, Wren/Janet here.
DeleteThe first pitch is vague, can you elaborate on what traumatic incidents? What is Soledad taking the fall for? You're on the right track, we're just missing the punch, the specifics that are going to take your pitch and set it apart from the others. You need to pack a punch and make the audience perk up.
I like the idea of two teen lives intersecting as a result of some traumatic event. If you can narrow it down, add the specific stakes, I think you can get a home run.
Good luck!
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DeleteThank you for the feedback!
DeleteIt's so hard to explain the traumatic incident because it's sort of the shocker at the very end. Maybe I'll focus on the stakes and specify what the taking the fall part is.
DeleteAnd for my PitchWars entry WIP:
ReplyDelete17 & GONE meets FAR FROM YOU POC teen must prove BFF disappearance connects to other missing person cases to keep her sanity #Pitmad #YA
Hi Kim, me again LOL
DeleteYou had me up until "keep her sanity". Again we're slipping into vague territory. I know it makes sense to you or someone who has read the story, but think from an outsiders perspective. Can you slam it home with something specific, like will she be institutionalized for this or are you meaning she's just going to go crazy trying to prove this case? It leaves far too many questions. If you need more room to expand on it, take out the comps. Comps are great, but your pitch needs to be too. So if you can't fit it all in with comps, take them out. Your pitch sells the book more than the comps do, because what if an agent doesn't like those particular comps? You need to have your pitch slam it home. If you throw out some alternates I'll take another look at them for you!
Good luck!
Thanks so much Wren! The other ending I had was: or risk being next. But then it also seemed vague. will continue to work on it.
DeleteThanks so much for doing this!! :)
ReplyDeleteIndie would do anything to remove the devastating magical family curse - until she falls in love with the girl who cursed her. #PitMad #YA
CARMILLA + THE RAVEN BOYS Indie falls in love with the girl who cursed her family while fighting a war in a parallel world. #PitMad #YA
Hi Kara, Wren/Janet here...I think you've got a great pitch with the first one! The second one, if you can tweak parallel world and make it a little more specific...I think you can go with that one too. I just worry going with something that generic will make it get overlooked. What's going to set your parallel world apart from any other out there. If you can fit that it and shine the light on what makes yours special, I think you'll see some action.
DeleteGood luck to you!!
Thanks so much for your feedback, Wren!! That helps a lot!
DeleteI have issues so thank you for doing this! I have a few pitches but I need to cut a couple of words.
ReplyDeleteCass is stuck here until he remembers his death. He meets Ivy who can see him and help him cross over, but he didn’t plan on falling in love. Ghost whisperer + 6th Sense. #Pitmad YA
or
Cass is a ghost stuck here until he can remember his death. When he falls for a girl who can see the dead, he must choose between his love for her and crossing over. #Pitmad #YA
or
Cass is a ghost with no memory of who he was or how he died. When he meets Ivy who can see the dead, he must convince her to help him remember so he can cross over. #Pitmad #YA
or
Ghost Whisperer meets The 6th Sense; Cass is a ghost who must choose, stay and bring his murderer to justice and be with the girl he loves or cross over. #Pitmad #YA
Hi,
DeleteI like the second one.
You could combine the two sentences to give you more characters to play with. Something like:
When an earth-bound ghost falls for a girl who can see the dead, he must choose between love and crossing over. #Pitmad #YA
Hi Melissa,
DeleteI think your last pitch is the strongest. It brings in extra elements the other pitches don't, about bringing his murderer to justice. I think that needs to be in there to set your pitch apart from others. Always choose the elements that are specific and special to your ms to pitch. You need to stand out. I had no idea he was murdered from the other pitches. When I saw that in the last, you caught my attention.
good luck!
Thank you! I'll be working on this to cut some words.
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ReplyDeleteOoh, you're awesome for doing this!
ReplyDeleteHere are my pitches:
After a fatal tornado, sci-fi nerd Aurelia Tate "wakes" in Oz and discovers she was the evil Sentinel of the West in a past life #YA #PitMad
If Aurelia had known Oz had Attack on Titan-esque soul devourers instead of munchkins, she would've avoided that fatal tornado #YA #PitMad
To Do List: die in a tornado, wake in "Oz", discover you're "Witch" of the West, freak out, try to be good, turn out wicked #YA #PitMad
Aurelia dies in a tornado only to discover Oz is the afterlife w/sentinels instead of witches & she’s the wickedest of them all #YA #PitMad
Hi Tiffanie,
DeleteMy first question is, why are certain words in quotes? The first pitch is ok, but it doesn't really tell me what's at stake. What is the result of this, what does she have to do, she's just dead and wakes up in Oz and she had this past life....but....what happens? Does she need to change it, does she need to get back home...it doesn't really tell me why I need to read about Aurelia. You've told us setting, but we need a goal, a conflict.
The second pitch is confusing for someone who is not familiar with your story. It may makes sense to you as the author, but I don't know what a Titan-eqsue soul devourer is, and the end of your sentence says to me, the way you have it worded, that she walked herself right into a fatal tornado. Because if she would have known about these things she would have avoided it? It doesn't really put the wrap around your story I think you want it to. Try tweaking that one.
The Third, I'd try and steer clear of the laundry list type pitches. They're all over the place now and you need to set yourself apart, not fall into a cliche type pitch.
I think your last one is the winner. That gives me a real sense of story without the confusing aspects you tried to squeeze in the others. It's straight forward and intriguing and you can probably get away with throwing this one out there. But I'm still not seeing what her goal is. She's the wickedest of them all, but what happens? What's the conflict, is she fighting with herself to not be evil or is someone fighting her? I think you can tweak this and take out some of the words to fit in the conflict. If you reword it and post I'll take another look.
Good Luck!!
Thank you so much for doing this!!
ReplyDeleteMG If 12yo Peter can't escape Neverland b4 his shadow disappears, he'll be trapped 4ever. Lucky for him, his bf Wendy is on the way. #PitMad
(PETER PAN re-imagining told from dual POVs - Peter and Wendy)
I'm no more experienced than you at this, but I've got a couple of thoughts:
Delete1)I've heard that most agents aren't fans of "text speak" in pitches. I know spelling words out in full makes it harder to stick to the character limit, but I'd suggest you try to if you possibly can. It just looks a lot more professional.
2)This sort of sounds like a pitch for Peter Pan itself. I think you need to make clearer how yours relates to the original and what differentiates it.
G
Hi Hannah,
DeleteI'll second what Georgiana mentioned. Try and avoid using things like B4, 4ever type things. While this is a Twitter pitch, it's still a professional pitch.
We're not seeing how Wendy's going to save the day. It's too general. While you told us it's a Peter Pan re-imagining from dual POV, you can't fit that in a Twitter Pitch. So try tweaking it to show your spin on it.\
Start out with a template like the one below. Then tweak and make yourself 3 or 4 pitches switching things around, making sure to state the stakes.
Peter's stuck with a disappearing shadow. Wendy needs to X to save him or they'll be trapped in Neverland forever. #pitmad MG
Good Luck!
Thanks so much, Wren and Georgiana! Appreciate the feedback a lot! I'll work on that. :)
DeleteI'm just going to add that I love this premise! Have you read Hook's Revenge by Heidi Schulz? The sequel is out now and they're quite popular. Might be something to mention in your query as a "Fans of Heidi Schulz" kind of thing, (might also tell how your book is different.)
DeleteGood luck!
Here's another one if you have any time to look at a second pitch:
ReplyDelete4 Peter, it's the man-eating mermaids & pirates. 4 Wendy, it's the police. No one said being a 12yo in Neverland would be easy. #PitMad MG
Thanks for doing this. :)
ReplyDeleteHere are mine:
One is a target; the other a deadly weapon. To survive, both twins must decide who to trust. But can they trust each other? #pitmad #sff
Amidst ancient feud, two sisters are key to ending war. But when one’s life is threatened, one must trust foe and leave sister behind #pitmad #sff
When a man is sent to kidnap one twin, two sisters must decide who to trust or risk placing their fates in another’s hands. #pitmad #sff
Hi Jamie,
DeleteI think you're missing a key element to your story. Your hashtagging this as SFF but where's the SFF elements? Right now your pitches swing towards thriller or suspense. I'm not seeing how they're SF in anyway. So dig into your query, what elements of your story make it unique? It's a story clearly about sisters and trusting a foe, but we need more to chew on.
Also, strike any questions from your pitch. You need to tell us your pitch, not ask questions. Save those valuable character spaces to show us your special elements that will make us want to read your ms.
Right now, these are all really general and vague, they sound like they could be any one of a hundred ms's. This isn't meant to come across as mean, by any means. I'm just not getting a feel for what's making your ms special. Give me your query and let's see if we can pick out something to hone these pitches in on.
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DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteIs this any better?
DeleteTwins blessed by the gods must be protected. When guardian tries to kill one sister, she must trust foe and leave holy city. #pitmad #sff
I have a few I've been tinkering w/. Please let me know what you think. Thanks, Jennifer!
ReplyDelete#PitMad #YA #SFF Runaway prince & pirate girl both have hidden identities. 2gthr they must discover why ppl in the kingdom are disappearing
#PitMad #YA #SFF Stow away prince & mysterious pirate girl must overcome their differences to figure out what’s happening to ppl of Asven
#PitMad #YA #SFF Mysterious things happening in kingdom: ppl disappear, strange lights in sky. Prince & kick-butt pirate girl must learn why
#PitMad #YA #SFF When ppl disappear & a strange light follows their ship, pirate girl Aravis & runaway prince Kairu must figure out why
Hi there, first off, try and avoid writing like 2gthr and ppl. While it's a twitter pitch, it's still a professional pitch. You want it to come across as such. There are ways to do it, you just have to put some elbow grease into it.
DeleteI really like the pairing of a runaway prince and a pirate girl. You've got that going for you. But I'd leave out things like "mysterious" and "kick-butt". We need more specifics in the pitch. Leave out words that are vague like secrets, mysterious, strange things. We need to know exactly what we're dealing with.
Maybe something like People of Asven are disappearing. A runaway prince & a pirate girl must fight their differences & X to save them. #pitmad #YA #SFF
Good luck to you!
Thanks for the feedback. I'll keep working!
DeleteGRACELING + PROPHECY Princess Raylene is determined to uncover the truth behind her father’s alleged accident, even if it costs her the throne. #YA #SFF #PitMad
ReplyDeletePrincess Raylene is determined to uncover the truth behind her father’s accident. Can she find the conspirator before the Empress is next? #YA #SFF #PitMad
When the Empress refuses to believe her, Princess Raylene risks her throne to find the conspirator who’s targeting the royals--her family. #YA #SFF #PitMad
Hi there!
DeleteI've mentioned it in a couple of crits now but make sure to avoid using questions in your pitch. (Avoid them in a query as well. You need to tell us about your story, not ask questions of the reader. Always rephrase and make it a statement, not a question.)
These all feel like they're missing an important piece of your ms. Your first is probably the strongest of the three, but it still feels like we're not getting the entire meat of your story. It feels like a general fairytale or something. We need to hit on what is special about your story. What danger will Raylene be in, is there someone who helps her, is there some kind of twist without giving a spoiler that you can throw in here to spice them up a little? I'm not getting a feel of that hook that's going to make me want to hang on to Raylene for dear life and get dragged into her story, does that make sense? That's what we're looking for, that clever twist that sets you apart.
If you tweak them I'll take another look!
Good luck!
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ReplyDeleteHi! Thanks so much for offering this; so beyond appreciated. One of my biggest issues is actually finding comp titles, so any ideas would be helpful! It's a bit on the darker side.
ReplyDeleteDeath becomes 17YO Superbia: she's his best superhuman killer. But failing a kill will turn her from his fave to his new target. #pitmad #ya
17YO Superbia kills immortals so Death'll revive her baby bro. But when she fails a mission, she puts a target on her own back. #pitmad #ya
17YO Superbia never had #squadgoals but becoming Death's new assassin places her in a team of seven. Until she becomes a target. #pitmad #ya
Hi, Wren/Janet here...overall these are really pretty tight and specific. Kudos! My only squabble is the first one took me a couple read throughs to get. You may want to tweak that first part of Death becoming 17YO Superbia because I'm still not sure if you mean she dies or Death himself literally becomes her. It's a little awkward, so I think if you can hone that a little more you'll have some winners.
DeleteGood luck to you!!
Hi! Thanks for doing this!
ReplyDeleteI tried to post a while ago, but it didn't seem to "take." So if there's another one, forgive me. :-)
#PitMad #A #MF Greek goddess Brandy has dreams of a life in the future, serving on a starship. Four years later she wants them to end.
#PitMad #A #MF Falling for a time traveler is a bad idea. Falling for his AU double is worse. Poor judgment when he dies could end the world.
#PitMad #A #MF TERMINATOR meets PERCY JACKSON when newbie Greek goddess violates a peace treaty in an AU. Aliens retaliate, destroy Earth.
#PitMad #A #MF RED SHIRTS meets GOOD OMENS when Next-Gen goddess violates treaty in alt reality & thinks it’s a dream. Aliens destroy Earth.
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Deleteoooh, I edited one of mine -
DeleteTERMINATOR meets PERCY JACKSON when newbie Greek goddess violates a peace treaty with the alien Gtenk, who destroy the Earth. #PitMad #A #MF
Is that better? Is #PitMad like #SFFPit was, where you can tweet once an hour or so, but not repeat the same one?
Hi Ella,
DeleteYou've got some interesting things going on here. I'm digging the Terminator meets Percy Jackson comps. I got stuck on AU until I finally realized I think you mean alternate universe. I'd strike that, you'll loose an agents attention if you have to make them think. That pitmad feed moves a thousands miles a minute. You've got one shot to get their attention. Don't make them work for it. Try and reword it.
I really am digging your second pitch (sounds similar to one I used last year LOL) But I think you lose it at the end with Poor Judgement....what poor judgement? That's super vague. If you can tighten that up and find a specific to throw in there instead, this one will be a home run.
This last one here, I'm not honing in on what a Gtenk is? I'd strike that, don't use terms an agent/editor won't know what it is. (Maybe it's just me, but I don't know what a Gtenk is LOL)
So the jist of the story from all these diff pitches is, she's dreaming of this alternate universe, but it's real, not a dream kind of thing? I think you should hit hard on that somehow. That's what's going to be the unique facet to your story, it needs to be shown in the pitches a little tighter.
I think you've got some definite possibilities here. Pitmad is just like SFFPit, just for pretty much all genres, not just SFF.
Good luck!
Thanks! The Gtenk are the aliens in the book. I'll change it back to aliens. :-)
DeletePoor judgement - she breaks a peace treaty to get revenge for his death.
Yes, the dream life is real. The Fates ended up "cursing" her with a thousand lives, but she doesn't know it. It was a mistake on their part, so they decided to make it a punishment for something - like causing the destruction of the world. It's an accident that she lives two lives at once, but being sleep deprived and losing the man she loves creates the situation where she ends up with the punishment. Kind of circular logic, but hey, it's the Fates. :-)
Thanks for the advice! I'll try to come up with some that work on the dreams being real aspect. :-)
How about these?
DeleteFalling for a time traveler is a bad idea. Falling for his double is worse. Seeking revenge when he dies could end the world. #PitMad #A #MF
TERMINATOR meets PERCY JACKSON when a young Greek goddess violates a peace treaty, and their alien enemies destroy the Earth. #PitMad #A #MF
RED SHIRTS meets BULFINCH as Next Gen goddess tends bar in Dallas in 2006 & battles aliens in her dreams in the 33rd century. #PitMad #A #MF
Thank you so much for doing this!! Here are two I have:
ReplyDeleteModern day girl finds herself in 19th c Edinburgh & discovers hidden society she used to be a part of but can no longer remember #PitMad #NA
Having an obsession for period dramas is one matter. Finding yourself in 19th c Edinburgh one day is taking it too far. #PitMad #NA
Hi Alexandra, this is Tracie here, I'm a CP with Jen. :):)
DeleteOkay, so you've got some visuals, but they're not working as hard as they could. And then you've got not much by way of stakes or characters. So yeah...you might need a few tweaks to get someone's attention with these. ;)
Descriptors/wordiness
The probable with Twitter pitches is that they're so short, so every word counts. You've got a lot of phrases you can make work much harder. I'd personally choose active, stronger words to lift their weight in the character limit.
19th c is pretty bland and historical readers like specifics. Are we talking Regency? Georgian? Victorian?
For the first pitch...."hidden society" is pretty vague. What is their goal? Why are they hidden?
"taking it too far" = try "too much"
"having an obsession" = "obsessed"
"finds herself" = "stumbled"
"discovers hidden society she used to be part of but can no longer remember" = try "discovers her membership in a secret society that wants her toXXX" (I think you can leave the memory loss part out)
Plot/Stakes
Now some people say Twitter pitches should look like this " When x happens, (main character) must do y in order to z." Basically, inciting event, obstacle, and quest/stakes.
So the good news is that you've got lots of room to play to get these in there! I wish I knew more about your book to offer real suggestions. I'm going throw some framework ideas out there.
After falling from 2016 to Victorian Edinburgh, 19yo MC finds SECRET SOCIETY. Now she must X in order to Y.
Obsessed with Poldark (PICK A PERIOD DRAMA COMP), 19yo MC is shocked to find herself in Regency Edinburgh. To (STAKES) she must (ACTIONS).
I hope this helps!! Good luck and holler if you want more feedback.
Wow, thank you so much!! That helped a ton. Brevity is certainly not my strong suit, so these short pitches are so difficult to write. If you have time, would you mind looking over these? I tried to spice up #2 by throwing in a couple comparisons. (The only problem is I had to cut the #NA to make it fit the word count...) I also revised #1 and one of your frames worked perfectly for a third.
Delete1. Modern day girl stumbles into Victorian Edinburgh &discovers her membership in a secret society that had wiped her memory #PitMad #NA
2. DOCTOR WHO+INFERNAL DEVICES Having an obsession for period dramas is one matter.Finding yourself in Victorian Edinburgh is too much #PitMad
3. After falling from 2013 to Victorian Edinburgh, 19yo MC finds SECRET SOCIETY. Now she must find out why they wiped her memory. #PitMad #NA
Thank you so much for this! (@VScreaming)
ReplyDeleteFather and his Hybrid Children want all people to suffer. The only one who can stop him is his child. #PitMad #YA
Father believes his fear is absolute. The Guardian wants to prove otherwise. #PitMad #YA
Micah only knows his father's fear. The Guardian wants to give him other options, but could lead to the child's death. #PitMad #YA
METALLICA + THIS PRESENT DARKNESS. Fear vs freedom converge on a child too naive to believe he's in danger. #PitMad #YA
Hi Geoffrey,
DeleteThis is Tracie here. You've got something interesting going on here, I see.
The first pitch is my favorite. A parent/child life or death conflict sucked me right in. The only thing missing for me is the full stakes. I know he wants the world to suffer, but how? Is he trying to kill everyone? Steal their loved ones? Cause them physical pain? Also, we could use more details on the protag. You say this is YA, but when you used the word "child" I instantly think of a little one. Some gender info would help, too.
How about something like "Father uses his Hybrid Children to X. Now his son Micah is the only one who can stop him from X"
For the second pitch, I'm not understanding what you mean by fear. Do you mean the fear he engenders in others, or his own fear? I suspect the former. And who is more important, the Guardian or the son? I'd personally pick one to focus on to avoid confusion, but others may feel differently.
Now about your comps. Metallica caught my eye immediately, BUT I'm not exactly getting it. Are you talking about the band? If so, I don't get quite what you're trying to do so you might want to think on that one.
This is wonderful! I'm blown away by the continued opportunity and support of this writing community. Thank you so much. Here's mine (and holy crap this is hard):
ReplyDeleteScarlet learns the cards in NYC poker, but she won’t bet her heart on the House’s sexy host. She’ll wager her life. #PitMad #NA
Hi Sarah,
DeleteThis is Tracie here. I know, Twitter pitches are a nightmare. My least favorite writing task.
Well, to me you're on a roll. This is absolutely intriguing. The only thing I'd suggest is maybe amp up why she's wagering her life? You actually don't need "learns the cards" unless she's learning it specifically for a particular goal. Maybe "Scarlet learns NYC poker to X. She won't bet her heart on the House's sexy host, but she will wager her life #PitMad #NA"
Veronica Mars meets Pretty Little Liars when a cheer squad initiation stunt leaves a teacher dead at the bottom of the stairs & Noble as the main suspect YA #pitmad
ReplyDeleteHi Nancy, this looks solid. It's good as-is, at least to me, but you can prolly squeak in a few more details if you reword just a hair.
DeleteVeronica Mars+Pretty Little Liars. Noble must (sacrifice her friends/lover/etc) to prove her innocence after a squad initiation stunt kills a teacher #YA #pitmad
Hi Nancy, this one seems really familiar to me. Or I could be smoking crack LOL But I think this one is pretty good. Do you have others? You'll want to make sure you have at least 3 variations. I'd recommend at least one without comps for a couple reasons. Some agents may not like the comps you put in, so it may be an unintended strike against you. Two, not putting in the comps allows for you to expand the pitch a little deeper, throw in a little more voice. So try and come up with two alternates, because you never know which one will snag the attention of an agent.
DeleteGood luck!
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ReplyDeleteThank you so much for doing this! The outpouring of encouragement - even for those not selected as mentees - has been awesome! I have two for one MS.
ReplyDeleteSirocco's brother's been framed for an awful crime, his life is in danger. Will Sirocco connect the interplanetary dots? #Scifi #YA #PitMad
Sirocco left Earth to escape her last name, but someone framed her brother, and it's up to her to prove he's innocent. #YA #SciFi #PitMad
~B
I prefer the second pitch. Is there any way to tell us why she wants to leave the planet/change her name? Could you shorten second part to: but she must return to prove her brother's been framed, or something that sounds better? :)
DeleteGood luck!
Okay. This is really hard! Here's what I've come up with so far:
ReplyDeleteIsla must leave her tribe and use her knowledge of folklore to help save her kingdom and the its newly appointed ruler #YA #SFF #PitMad
Girl of Fire and Thorns meets Game of Thrones and Throne of Glass in a #YA #SFF adventure of romance, danger, politics, and betrayal #PitMad
Thanks so much for doing this!
I'm no expert at this, but I like your first version much more than your second. It gives me a good idea of the plot, the second could apply to 95% of fantasy novels, and all the comps are broadly similar books so don't give me a flavour of what makes yours unique.
DeleteOn the first one, it says "the its newly appointed ruler" - you need to lost either "the" or "its" (an obvious point, but I find it can be hard to spot typos in my own work).
More subjectively:
1) I'd lose "help save" and just make it "save" to get the stakes higher.
2) It's obviously hard with so few characters to play with, but I'd like to know a little more about a)who Isla is (age? princess or peasant or somewhere inbetween? girly-girl or always wanted to be a heroine?) and b)why she has to leave her tribe.
oh! Thanks for catching that typo!
DeleteHere are two more based on your suggestions:
Isla of the Plains Tribe must use her passion for folklore to find the Injini and save her kingdom - and its charming ruler #YA #SFF #PitMad
Isla prefers folklore to politics but it may be her devotion to finding the Injini that saves her kingdom and its new ruler #YA #SFF #PitMad
You are actually closer with your first pitches.
DeleteIn your second pitch you have too many comp titles. Pick TWO only. And put the titles in ALL CAPS so they stand out. But you've left out plot and your MC in this pitch.
So let's look at pitch one:
Isla must leave her tribe and use her knowledge of folklore to help save her kingdom and the its newly appointed ruler #YA #SFF #PitMad
newly appointed is long for a twitter pitch. You're wasting precious characters here. Also, I don't care about the ruler, I care about Isla. Don't waste space on him.
Isla must leave her tribe & use her folklore knowledge to help save her kingdom BUT X IS TRYING TO STOP HER.
You're missing conflict. She needs a goal, an obstacle, and a consequence.
(@carleree)
ty so much!
ReplyDeleteAfter dad stalks and violently attacks Ruby + mom, Ruby embraces nature to reconnect with her survivor spirit #pitmad #ya
Ruby + mom escape violent dad & find peace in natural world dad stalks & attacks. Ruby tries to find survivor spirit via nature #pitmad #ya
Hi Verna,
DeleteYou're missing some stakes. I wonder if you switch the pitch around you could convey a sense of danger.
Ruby finds peace in nature, but her violent, stalker father has other plans for her. Something like that. Do you see what I mean? There has to be a sense of impending doom or otherwise it's a story about a girl talking to plants after her dad attacks her. Also, leave mom out of it. If your story is YA, your pitch must revolve around Ruby.
(@carleree)
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ReplyDeleteWhat a great idea. Thanks for doing this.
ReplyDeleteI've got several possible tweets I've been playing around with, and I'd love to know which people think works best (they're in roughly my current order of preference):
"The scheming wife of a British dictator in the idealistic run-up and brutal aftermath of a UK military coup #pitmad #thriller #antiheroine"
"A military coup in the UK. A conflicted First Lady blinded by love and ambition. Good intentions rapidly turning to bad realities. #pitmad"
Or alternatively, two possible first person ones:
"Some call the First Lord a despot who took power through violence and governs the UK with terror. I call him my beloved husband." #pitmad
"Traitors say our government is a dictatorship driving Britain into dystopia. I say we've changed the country for the better." #pitmad
Hi Georgiana,
DeleteI think what you're missing here is plot. You're listing characters. Also, don't pitch your book in first person.
If your MC is the First Lady blinded by love and ambition--tell me what she WANTS. What is stopping her from getting it? What happens if she doesn't overcome the obstacle in her way?
Because right now I'm reading pretty sentences about two characters. They sound like fairly well-crafted characters, but not what your book is ultimately about.
Hope this helps,
(@Carleree)
When uncovered family history threatens love with his bassist, Frontman Jude must fight for it and a future #PitMad # R
ReplyDeleteThis reads a little vague, Amanda. I want to know what kind of family history could be so dramatic it threatens the relationship with the bassist. I think a few more details could go a long way here.
Delete(@carleree)
I seriously want to read the one where the girl sells her friend's soul to the Voodoo god of death. I just can't seem to reply to it! Hannah, I hope that gets published soon! :-)
ReplyDeleteIt's really awesome that you're doing this! Thank you so much!
ReplyDeleteDuring summer camp 18yo gamer girl Cappy meets Marlon & must decide between following her heart or her mental illness, SAD #PitMad #YA
This reads really well to me, Alice. You've got a good choice here for your MC. I wonder if you can up the stakes in another pitch, but this one could do well.
DeleteMaybe another version could be something like:
As SAD threatens to overtake her life, 18yo Cappy must decide to surrender to her mental illness or follow her heart to love.
TBH, I'm not sure mine is any better.
(@carleree)
This isn't my PW ms, but one I'm polishing for the 10th. Thanks so much!
ReplyDelete#PitMad #MG Squeamish 12yo takes zombie role to help pay bills. Stage dad, rival actor, eating entrails? Being undead just may kill him.
Hi Michelle,
DeleteYou've got a lot of things going on with your pitch. A squeamish 12 yo take a stage role playing a zombie to help pay bills. I follow you up to this point. Then I get lost.
Stage dad, rival actor, eating entrails? is a strange question. I don't understand. Is his father a stage dad, who is also a rival actor? Who is eating entrails? Also, ew.
Then your last line...works great as a tag line or hook line for your query. And it could work in a pitch if I could understand the plot, which at the moment I don't.
Stick to the formula: When X happens to your MC, he must overcome Y or risk Z. Keep it simple.
I think the problem is that you're trying to put too much into the pitch and the thread tying it together is broken.
(@carleree)
Thanks for doing this!
ReplyDeleteBird must keep a curious alien and his life saving technology a secret from nosy neighbors or lose her grandpa to Alzheimer's. #pitmad #NA
Hi Adrienne,
DeleteI like this pitch a lot. Watch your compound modifiers: life-saving technology has a hyphen in there.
Your pitch has all the elements, though I admit I thought it was a MG book. So I guess that's my biggest issue, that this plot sounds better suited for a younger audience and I wonder how it plays out at the NA level. This, though, is a completely subjective opinion.
(@carleree)
Maybe the words "curious" and "Grandpa" give it a younger tone? I'll play around with some different wording. Thanks for your comments!
DeleteA post-apocalyptic TOY STORY. A group of toys comes together to stop a plague but not all toys want the humans to survive. #PitMad #MG
ReplyDeleteHi Sandra,
DeleteI think this sounds fantastic! Just needs some tweaking.
A post-apocalypticTOY STORY. A group of toys comes together to stop a plague threatening mankind. But not all toys want the humans to survive.
It's not a big change, but clarifies the plague a teensy bit.
Great pitch!
(@carleree)
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ReplyDeleteA dangerous mutant must discover if her humanity runs deeper than her venom laced skin.#PitMad #SFF
ReplyDeleteThank You so much for doing this!
Hi Gea!
DeleteThis is a great start. Can you tell me what happens if she fails? You need some stakes in your pitch, but I like the way it starts. Also venom-laced skin should have a hyphen ;)
(@carleree)
X-MEN + ANGEL Kaden has one job; protect the Oracle. Problem is SHE won't co-operate. Define kidnapping? #PitMad #A #PR
ReplyDeleteHi Erin, I'm a tad confused. Why is SHE in all caps? I don't know why you have that question at the end. I don't see how it relates to the beginning.
DeleteTry something like:
Kaden must do X to protect the Oracle or Y will happen. Too bad the Oracle doesn't want to be protected.
(@carleree)
First off, I am so happy I found Pitch Wars and will keep on going. Thank you Jennifer for offering help us with the Pitch wars on Twitter. I truly appreciate any feedback.
ReplyDeleteHere are some options for my Upper MG Fantasy novel
13yo NYC girl travels to ARTIFEXIA, a gritty urban fairy world to save humanity from losing its imagination. #PITMad MG
or #PitMad MG 13yo girl's biggest problem is getting the boy until she is pulled into a dark fairy world to save humanity’s imagination.
or In ARTIFEXIA, 13-year old NYC girl pulled into a dark fairy world to save the destruction of humanity’s imagination. #PitMad MG
Thank you,
Michelle
Hi Michelle!
DeleteI think the second pitch is the clearest. the first confused me a bit, might try setting off the explanation of the fairy world with dashes or parenthesis if you have room, or lose the name altogether. It's a cool name, but I don't think you need it.
Awesome premise! Good luck!
Hi Michelle,
DeleteFirst, remember that all caps are used for titles of published books. If this is your title, you shouldn't put it in caps in your pitch.
I like the set up of this pitch, but I want to know more about the obstacle. What is stopping her from saving humanity's imagination? How does she save the world?
So it should look like...When (character name) is pulled into a fairy world, she must overcome X or risk the destruction of humanity's imagination.
(@carleree)
Twitter: @Caitlin_Renata
ReplyDeleteMaddie is forced to discover her best friend's secrets as she tries to prove that Annabelle was murdered. #PitMad #YA
Gah, 140 characters is tough. Thank you so much for doing this!!
Hi Caitlin,
ReplyDeleteCan you tell me who Annabelle is? Why do I care if Annabelle is murdered? How do the secrets prove this? Who is Maddie? There are too many questions left unanswered.
I'd start again. If Maddie doesn't do W then X will happen. Y is trying to stop her because Z.
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ReplyDeleteI hate two MSs I'm deciding between doing for pitmad. Not sure if it's a good idea to do two. Some people have said go for it, others said no.
ReplyDelete1. Reincarnation's a bigger bitch than the goddess bent on killing Saekina. If she can't beat an immortal, this life could be her last.
2. Zoe met the girl of her dreams despite fur & fangs. Beauty must save her beast from a scorned classmate and child killing demon.
#YA*When a student plus teacher affair equals a secret pregnancy, exposing the scandal leads to danger for future journalist Casey #PitMad
ReplyDeleteWhen 11 y/o Trinity’s best friend is taken hostage by stranded aliens during their cruise, she & her quirky pal must save him.#pitmad #MG
ReplyDelete